I think life is a game of hide-and-seek. Only, the ones you are expected to seek are not always necessarily hiding. Sometimes they are in plain sight and you just miss them because you look for the wrong things.
Today, I learn that I will not be able to discover anything that I deem lost — passion, dreams, purposes, meanings — if I fail to discover the one lost thing I never bother to seek first: myself.
All these years, I’ve always thought I know me best. I know what I like, what I don’t, what I want, what I avoid. Or so I thought. Turns out, indeed I only think I know me. The fact is, I am the biggest stranger myself has never bothered to find out.
And this realization is like, a baby step towards the discovery of myself. It’s like getting drowned asleep inside the water and you’re finally awake! You realize you’ve been drowning. That’s a step from saving yourself, right? Only, the thing is, the moment you realize you’re drowning, the water suddenly pierces cold against your skin, weighing down your chest and your lungs are burning. It’s the fighting against the pressure that makes the discovery seems like an impossible battle to fight against.
It’s like, that moment you fall down and you realize you’ve been bleeding that it hurts the most. But without knowing it, you’ll probably bleed to death, no chance to clean and bandage the wound.
See, the thing about being lost is
Sometimes, it is convenient. Contrary to what being lost in thick woods feels like, sometimes you do not even feel scared. You feel at home, even. You’re floating away, not realizing that you’ve been drifting away from the path. From your path. You’ve strayed away too far and you do not even realize. That, what’s being truly lost from yourself, is like.
Because, let’s face it. Like I’ve blabbered about before, finding yourself is one difficult journey. It is a journey of discomfort, fear, and uncertainty. Maybe I should just settle getting lost instead. However, that isn’t even an option once the realization has hit you. Once you have your eyes wide opened, your arms will desperately flail, trying to grab on something, trying to swim yourself back to your stream.
So, what is this discovery all about?
In my case — and everyone has it differently, but I’m sure not any easier — it’s like a blind adventure. It’s a quest of the unknown, like running blindfold across a land you’ve never stepped your feet on before. The irony is almost pathetic, really. How it’s supposed to be a trip to find yourself, but it only makes you feel lost.
But, no one can ever get found if they don’t know they are lost, can they?
I do not know what I am going to find at the end of the journey. What form of answer will solve the puzzle that is myself. I do not know what awaits, or if there is anything at all. As I’ve mentioned before, this is only the first baby step. The quest has yet to begin.
Maybe I will come back and write another episode once it has started.
